You can see even more pictures of this harmless act between clearly consenting adults here.
Apparently there were “hundreds of people” in the quad below for a “philanthropy event,” though don’t let that fool you. What this looks like is a situation in which two likely inebriated couple, one surely a cocksman, needed a place to go and chose the roof. It’s not the first time that will happen, it’s not the last.
USC’s Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council discussing punishment for the pair mating on the roof of Waite Phillips Hall. That’s what IFCs and PHCs do. But let's put a handle on this shit and toss toss it before it looks out of control:
“The member in question has been suspended from Kappa Sigma for conduct unbecoming of a Kappa Sigma and a gentleman until a more detailed investigation can be conducted.”
Don’t support this kind of behavior? Suspended? What age are we living in when a fraternity guy having sex is conduct unbecoming fraternity guys? This statement couldn’t possibly be related to the fact that the very same Kappa Sigma fraternity at the very same college produced a Tucker Max-esque email referring to men as a “Cocksman” and women as “targets?” A little damage control, surely.
There’s no reason for him to be suspended from his fraternity. There’s no reason for that fraternity president to sell him out. There’s no reason for any of it. It’s college. It’s sex on a roof. It’s as simple as that. Move along, folks. Disciplinary action for fucking?! C’mon. When you’re suspended from a fraternity for copulating on a campus rooftop, isn’t there something wrong with the natural order of things? It’s entirely unclear why some people are freaking out about this like they were found with a weapons cache.
As for the email, we have seen varieties of it for a decade. At any rate, IT'S. AN. EFFING. PRIVATE. JOKE. Get over it. The version we last saw, as follows:
To the Distinguished Gentlemen of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity:
As I have mentioned I will be starting a weekly Pie Report. In response to the Soft Report, I felt it necessary to offer a contrasting and more uplifting telegram. My theories and practices are elaborated in more detail in the body of this email.
Please send me all of your hook-ups in Tucker Max format (for those unfamiliar with this fellow Cockman's literature, google). These renditions should be elaborate and interesting. I want raw data on who fucks and who doesn't. In conclusion the Pie Report will strengthen brotherhood and help pin-point sorostitiutes more inclined to put-out. From my experience when a female goes KSig she's typically repeats. To make it fun, we may have a Pie Contest but that's for a future communique.
For your entertainment read on and pause for note taking. My hope is that ALL of our brothers will follow this creed with pride and distinction.
I have come to write this memo to you today to educate on the only life worth living, that of a Cocksman. A Cocksman is taught to live by the two most applicable principles I know: The Pie and the Head. You may already be lost in trying to comprehend this logic. Do not worry this is completely understandable. By the end of this memo, you will not only gain a greater understanding of what it means to live, but you will have embraced a lifestyle. However, in order for this to happen you first must know a couple key terms.
Note: I will refer to females (those with the pies) as "targets". This isn't the dating game or relationship counseling, its the Cocksmanship. Consequently, naming individual targets before hand is as pointless as a fisherman naming an individual walleye in river.
Pie: A target's vagina. Some of you may have heard phrases direct and indirect such as leg, tail, ass, cooter, (a) piece, muff, snatch, poon, poon-tang, punany, pussy, cat, kitty cat, cock pocket, nookie, cootchie, fun hatch, cock sock, spunk-pot, the love below or the rarely used, gushy stuff. All these terms are interchangeable and fine to use. However, for the purpose of this memo, I will refer to a target's vagina as pie.
Head aka Neck, Throat, Brain, Oral, Slurp, Slob, Goink and Gobble Action: Usually refers to a target's mouth and throat. Most often pertains to a target's throat capacity and it's ability to gobble. If a target is known to give good head, perhaps it can deep-throat extremely well. Others have lingual tricks that are more subtle, which they will often advertise by doing something with their tongue when their pie gets hot. My advice is to seek out this target early in the night. DTs, Tongue Twisters (TTs) or Good Head Girls (GHGs) are always scooped up well before last call.
Grip: Refers to the tightness of a target's pie. If a target is said to have good grip, your cock probably feels like it's in a vice when you are deep inside it. If a target is said to have great grip, your cock probably feels like it got caught in a Chinese finger trap. Gentlemen, don't let a target like that get away from you. She doesn't know how to use it yet- tightening it too much and too early as she learns to use her powers but you won't have to donkey punch her. Avoid the pie's that are extremely meaty and resemble a cold cut combo from Subway. More often then not, if a target's pie looks like a bag of roast beef on the outside, it's probably a Cleveland Sideslapper.
Cleveland Sideslapper: An extremely loose pie. The target's pie has become so loose because of overusage, the lips of the pie flap and slap it's inner thigh as it walks. I've never messed with this but I'm assured it exists.
Pie-Getters: A man that is focused on getting ass. He exists to spread his manliness in pie that will have him, within requirements. Pie is lucky to have true cocksman, as he brings more to the table than the average pie-getter.
Cocksman or Cocksmen (pl): Also a man that is focused on getting ass, enjoying both the pie and the chase. A true connoisseur. Pie is lucky to have true cocksman, as he brings more to the table than the average pie-getter. The Cocksman is to the average man trying to get his rocks off, as a big game hunter on Safari is to a teenager shooting pigeons with a bb gun.
R.D.A (Raw Dog Assassin): A man that refuses to wear condoms because no feeling on earth can compare to a warm piece of pie coming in contact with your cock. Let's be honest, if it isn't raw it isn't real. Drawbacks of this philosophy are that you may have to visit the clinic more often than not, but a quick penicillin shot really isn't that bad (trust me). Oh yeah, there's also AIDS and Herpes so you might want to be careful Raw Dogs.
Loop n' Doop: A target that is very easy to take down. All she takes is a good amount of liquor (loop) and she will be good to go for you to fuck her (doop). Be careful with loop n' doops, because too much loop and they will get sick and be useless.
Guap n' Drop: A target that is requires you to put down to take down. She probably doesn't drink very much and she may have a high socioeconomic status or be a gold digger. You are going to have to open up the wallet (guap) and spend (drop) a good amount on her to finally get to the pie. You'll be forced to wear it out to get the proper ROI. After doing so you should promptly borrow money and never pay it back, lest she feels like a tacky whore.
Defending the Pie Report:
You may feel this is an unnecessary initiative. Gentlemen, you could not be more wrong. Pie Reports only exist to help pie-getters. It gives them the knowledge so they can operate as an efficient, calculated assassin. It also exists to call out the pie-getters who may fabricate stories sometimes or tend to exaggerate their sexual encounters. You all know who you are, and should be ashamed of your actions. Also, there is nothing wrong with having a fatty somewhere on your record but fat and ugly, come on, make a decision.
Also, sometimes targets that look like a Mack truck ran over their face have the greatest bodies and some outstanding grip. He who is without sin can cast the first stone, but "he" does not exist. Shit happens. But own up, as you will only make the situation worse if you don't properly rate what you're dicking-down for the report. You can lie to us but aren't you only really lying to yourself?
By now I assume some of you are wondering what constitutes a bad mark on your resume. To simplify the matter, I have come up with a rating system so strict that most of you will cringe when you actually figure out what your lifetime average really is. This scale was created because a friend of mine went on a spring break trip and came back claiming he fucked a 9. His defense was "she had to be a 9 man. She was the hottest girl I ever fucked." That was when my friend and I decided to institute an absolute ranking system that could be universally used and implemented.
The scale is a simple 1-10 ranking system, with outliers existing up to a -5. Anything worse than that and I suggest you go find the nearest cleaver. You don't deserve to use your cock anymore and your cock doesn't deserve to be misused. Moving on, I am sorry to break it to you but no one in your chapter has probably ever fucked a 10. A handful have put down a 7 or 8. Society has inflated your perception and lowered your standards.
My scale is absolute. It takes nothing else into account but pure physical beauty. This isn't a personality, charm, intelligence or breeding contest. Those things are important in their own way but are not measurable and generally boring and gay to talk about. Anything you can see with your eyes is fair game, however, a target does not get a higher ranking if it has "great grip" or a "great head." How many times have you seen some sorry sap trying to justify fucking a poor piece of pie by saying "dude she gives great head" or "her pussy is so tight!" Many fatties and uglies do give great head and are particularly good at sex. They have to be more dedicated to their craft because no one would talk to them otherwise. Likewise, a target does not receive a reduced ranking if you get down to the pie and it has two giant hanging flaps hanging from a San Andreas sized rift. It's unfortunate, but poor qualities like that do not lower her physical beauty because it usually can't be verified by all.
I would now like to take the time to explain the rating system in detail. I will not cover negatives because when you are trying to decide whether a target is a -3 or -2 that's just sad for mankind. Moreover, since I do not personally know you I cannot be the judge of what pie you have fucked. I will offer my guidance upon request because I consider my self a pie veteran. My judgment is sound and I promise to give you my unbiased opinion. Seek my council in ranking a target, as initially this will be a difficult challenge for you.
To accumulate your lifetime average, have all the pies you have fucked verified by a brother who is also subject to these pie reporting regulations. Then add up their ranks and divide by how many pies you have fucked. A good score is right around a 5.
To accumulate your "filth rating," add up all the pieces of pie you have fucked that are a 3 or below and divide by how many pies you have fucked. Make this a percentage. For example, my filth rating is at 12%, but I have exceeded 50 pieces of pie. Not bad.
10- If you get here then you can't go back below a 5 ever or you will live in shame (the Hugh Grant rule). Don't get caught.
9- If any of you are lucky to get so close to perfection, feel blessed. But treat her like a 6 until she acts like a six.
8- Only cheat when she or one of her best friends is definitely not in your area code.
7-Possible Future Wife Status. Only cheat when she is definitely not in your area code. Okay, earshot, you aren't married yet.
6-Date Status. Be careful when you cheat, but still cheat
5-Apply the 5x5 rule. Toot it 5 times, and then boot it. Move onto the next piece of pie.
4-One night stands, but they are fairly attractive. Should not be repeats.
3-The filth cut-off. These are not attractive women, but sadly many of you have fucked these. Look in the mirror afterward and say "You're better than this!"
2-Still filth. Still Pathetic. Look her in the face afterward and say "I'm better than this!"
1-Anything this close to 0 is bad. You better be 3 four lokos deep to justify this abomination
0-Let me just say from experience, when calculating your lifetime pie accumulation, throwing a 0 in the mix really hurts the average.
Additional Rules for a Cocksman
1.) A target should maintain some hair around her pie. It's a matter of respect. Maintenance is preferred (I prefer pie that has been lasered increasing the aesthetics and feel).
2.) Do your research and find out what is a loop n' doop target and what is a guap n' drop target. Keep yourself busy by fucking loop n' doops while working on a guap n' drop on the side. It only makes perfect sense.
3.) When utilizing the loop power of 4 Lokos, be careful. A target on one 4 Loko is putting the odds in your favor of getting some pie. A target on two 4 Lokos is going to get sick and pass out. A target on three 4 Lokos leads to instances of litigation and lawsuits. Terms like "sexual assault" seem to be used in this case.
Pie Code
A pie code is essential to have so pie-getters can have a conversation in front of targets while talking about them and deciding which one to make a move on. The following references:
Blackberry: A black target
Blueberry Pie: A half-black/half-white
Pecan Pie: A latin target
Strawberry Pie: A white target
Cherry pie: A younger target
Lemon Meringue: An asian target
Honey pie: A middle eastern target
Note: If you are so lucky to encounter a perfect piece of pie. I mean the grip is out of this world, it is sculpted so it doesn't look like out of place hair ever existed, and it is creamy and tastes like strawberry shortcake, then you are allowed to refer to the pie as crème brulee. It must hit the tri-fecta to be considered for this great and honorable distinction.
Do not recreate this email. This is for Kappa Sigmas. I will track you down and take your soul if you transmit this email to anyone outside our brotherhood.
- [NAME REDACTED]
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